


even angels could be bad

by Ameliapll



Series: DCI Matilda Darke shots [2]
Category: DCI Matilda Darke series- Michael Wood
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Description of neglect, Developing Relationship, Dorks in Love, Explicit Language, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Gay Male Character, Homophobic Language, Jonathan Harkness Deserves Better, Jonathan and Stephen live, M/M, Mental Instability, POV Male Character, SPOILERS FOR 'FOR REASONS UNKNOWN', description of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 05:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16780741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ameliapll/pseuds/Ameliapll
Summary: He and Stephen, it wouldn’t work. Not because of Stephen- God, no!- but because Jonathan is toxic.Stephen is good and warm and bright and everything Jonathan is not.Or the one in which Jonathan Harkness is an emotional mess and also maybe crushing on his boss, just a little, and where he might just get the man and live happily ever after...well, as happy as one could be when they're fucked.





	even angels could be bad

It starts at the _mandatory_ work celebration dinner. Stephen is engrossed in telling a story, and he’s so passionate and emotional about it, that Jonathan finds himself hypnotised by Stephen’s voice. It’s so full of life, and his words stretch like taffy, filling the air with warm and sweet goodness. Jonathan listens to the smile on his employers face, the way his eyes sparkle and the dimples impaling his cheeks and doesn’t notice when he stops. 

****

“What?” Jonathan asks eventually, noting the way Stephen is marvelling at him. 

****

“Your smile,” Stephen says. 

****

“Oh,” Jonathan says, quickly going to the defense. How could he have slipped up? He’s supposed to be cold, non vulnerable. 

****

  
“No! No, it’s a nice smile. I just...I haven’t seen you smile, it’s nice,” Stephen says. His tone is almost shy as he looks down. 

****

“Oh,” Jonathan says in an entirely different tone, pinkening in a way that is surely obvious under the fluorescent lights. 

****

Stephen smiles and despite himself, Jonathan smiles back.

****

It’s been a while since he felt happy. 

He could get used to it. 

\--

He and Stephen, it wouldn’t work. Not because of Stephen-  _ God, no!-  _ but because Jonathan is  _ toxic.  _

****

Stephen is good and warm and bright and everything Jonathan is not. 

****

He will not let Stephen in. His boss deserves better. 

\--

This promise is broken by the next day. 

****

“Hey, Jonathan,” Stephen says casually, brushing past Jonathan to grab a copy of the bible. The slight brush of hand-on-arm makes Jonathan redden. 

****

“Hey,” Jonathan replies, uncertain. 

****

“I’m getting a beer tonight. Did you want to join me?”

****

For a second, they hold eye contact. 

****

“Yes,” Jonathan says. 

****

He’s smiling again and blushing, too, and Stephen smiles and blushes back. 

****

“Awesome,” he says. And then 

****

“Here’s your bible, sir,” 

****

As he passes, he brushes Jonathan again

It feels more deliberate, this time. 

****

\--

Jonathan is  _ tipsy,  _ intoxicated in a way he hasn’t been in his life. He’s not so used to being out of control like this. He likes it. 

****

Stephen slings an arm round his shoulders, all casual. 

****

“Want a lift?”

****

“Please,” Jonathan says back, mentally scolding himself for the overly formal tone of voice. Old habits die hard, and unlike his family, the training they instilled in him continues. 

****

Stephen grins.  _ Adorable.  _

****

“Your chariot awaits,” he says, gesturing to a dark sedan a few meters off. 

****

“Thank you, sir,” Jonathan says with a playful bat of his eyelashes. 

****

As they walk, Stephen’s hand links with Jonathan’s. 

****

He’s free falling like it’s a bad idea. 

****

He doesn’t care anymore. 

\--

The car has heated seats in it, and Jonathan sighs lightly, eyes fluttering closed. 

****

“This is nice,” he says and notices the way Stephen is looking at him. 

****

“What?” 

****

“You keep sighin’ like that and we’re not gonna get anywhere,” Stephen smirks. 

****

It’s so unfair, the way he’s reverent in all he does. 

****

“What do you mean?” Jonathan asks. 

****

“Jonathan, I’m gonna break it to you. I like you, okay?” 

****

“You like me,” Jonathan repeats, thunderstruck. “Why?” 

****

“Why...you’re smart, Jonathan. You’re good and smart and soft and  _ very  _ handsome,”

****

There was that word again. The one that  _ taints  _ the walls coating Jonathan’s emotions, melting them down to nothing. 

****

“I don’t know what to say,” Jonathan says, reeling. 

****

“Then don’t say. We got time, we don’t need to work it out now,” 

****

Stephen’s eyes are dark as they glance into Jonathan’s own blue. 

****

People have said dark eyes are cold, hardened. But it’s not true. Stephen’s are dark, but alight with passion and sensitivity. It’s Jonathan’s that are cold. Blue, like the lake in Jonathan’s park when it’s winter and frozen over. Blue like a body left in the cold for too long. 

****

He’s observing what’s going on when Stephen kisses him. 

****

“Sorry,” he says not more than two minutes later, pulling back. “I know that might be too fast, and we haven’t even decided if we are a we, or-”

****

“Stephen,” Jonathan says and it’s breathy and a little slow, “You never have to apologise for that,” 

****

Stephen looks unsure, so Jonathan continues. 

****

“My parents died when I was eleven, yeah?” 

****

“I’m so-” 

****

“Don’t be. Because I will forever mourn their deaths, but it was...a relief. I know how shitty that is, but...they only wanted one child. My older brother,” 

****

“Jonathan,” Stephen says. 

****

“I found it out through Charlie Johnson’s book,” Jonathan says and he’s crying now. “Stephen, do you know what that’s like? To find out your family doesn’t want you through someone else’s book? I’ve been in the shadows my whole life, but when I’m with you, I feel  _ seen,  _ Stephen. I feel alive,” 

****

“Your family were idiots. Sorry to speak ill of the dead, or whatever. But I can’t imagine not wanting you,” 

****

_ I can’t imagine not wanting you.  _

****

The words hit Jonathan deep, and despite his prior reservations, he leans forwards and kisses Stephen. 

****

It’s  _ nice,  _ for a first kiss- or rather, second- and Jonathan breathes into Stephen’s lips. 

****

“Well, hey there,” Stephen teases as he pulls back and Jonathan laughs. It’s breathy and light and he feels more himself than ever. 

\--

“You don’t have heating?” 

****

“A luxury,” Jonathan sighs, rooting through his fridge, “One I can’t afford,” 

****

“Yet you can afford this many books, not to mention the abundance of coffee,” 

****

Jonathan pauses mid scramble. 

****

“It’s a question of priorities,” he replies and Stephen laughs. 

****

Angels were born in that laugh, Jonathan thinks and turns to kiss Stephen. 

****

They still haven’t defined it

They’ve got time

\--

Stephen’s house is warmer than Jonathan’s. 

****

Naturally. 

****

Stephen is the fire to Jonathan’s ice; the open to his closed. 

****

“Sit down, yeah?” Stephen says. 

****

“I want to help-” 

****

“Jonathan,” Stephen says sternly. Despite the firmness of his tone, his eyes are shining. “Sit your cute ass down,” 

****

Jonathan sits his ‘cute’ ass down. 

****

He watches Stephen in his own environment 

His boyfriend is like a wild animal, languid and fluid as he bends to pick up a spatula, and- 

****

“Jonathan,” Stephen says, suppressing a smirk, “I’ll thank you not to objectify me,” 

****

“Oh, I’m the objectifying one here?” Jonathan laughs. “What was it you said before?” 

****

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” Stephen says as he approaches. He’s smiling though. 

****

“Says,” he replies, “You,” 

****

He grins 

And pulls Stephen down into a kiss. When Stephen pulls back, he gives Jonathan a wide-eyed unbelieving smile. 

****

It’s warm and good and better than Jonathan deserves.

\--

“How’d your parents die?” Stephen says one day. It’s warm outside and Jonathan lets the sun heat his face. 

****

“Sorry if I, you know, overstepped,” 

****

“No,” Jonathan says, eyes still closed, “It’s fine.”

****

Stephen slides his hand over Jonathan’s, a heady weight comforting him. 

****

“They were murdered,” Jonathan says emotionlessly. “Someone axed them. I don’t know. My mind, it suppressed memories of that night.”

****

“ _ Shit,  _ Jon-” 

****

“I mean,” Jonathan prattles on, “I saw it, but I don’t-I don’t remember it. I remember the aftermath, I remember the blood,  _ oh God the blood-  _ but I don’t...I was a pain in the ass to the cops, I’m sure,”

****

“Oh,  _ Jonathan, _ ” Stephen says, tracing his fingers. 

****

“Maybe I deserve-” 

****

It’s an unspoken truth he’s thought so often 

****

“No. You didn’t.” Stephen says before he can release the thought. “Jonathan, no matter what you did, no matter how you felt about your parents, you. Did. Not. Deserve. That.” 

****

“Promise?” Jonathan says before he can stop himself. Stephen stops and looks at him, truly, seeing all the darkness and pain that tainted Jonathan’s life. Evaluating the damage. 

****

“I promise,” he says, wholly sincere, and Jonathan leans forwards and kisses him hard, a thousand thank yous being exchanged between closed lips. 

****

Jonathan thinks he might be in love. 

It’s dangerous

\--

****

They fight.

Jonathan can’t think of what it’s about, but he knows he said something cold that caused hurt to flicker into Stephen’s eyes and the door to slam. It isn’t violent or angry, but rather the heartbreakingly cold silence of two people who could be in love. 

****

Stephen looks at Jonathan with disappointed eyes and it hurts worse than when his parents would call him a lazy-good-for-nothing or even when he woke up to find Matthew pissing on him.

****

Stephen is the first to break their silent treatment. Not by much though. He keeps his eyes down and his voice cold. 

****

“Can you grab the files from the back, please, Mr. Harkness?”

****

“Yes, of course,” Jonathan says, stumbling over words. Stephen doesn’t even look up as Jonathan walks past him. 

****

He grabs the files and, after hesitating, a sticky note. 

****

_ I’m sorry.  _

_ Can we talk?  _

****

“Thank you. Mr. Harkness,” Stephen says dismissively. 

****

A sticky note lands on his desk an hour later

_ Meet me at west parking. _

  * __Stephen__



\-- 

“I went too far,” Jonathan says. 

****

“You did,” 

****

“I was vile, offensive and cruel,” 

****

“You were,” Stephen says. He can’t look Jonathan in the eyes. 

****

“I’m sorry,” 

****

“Do you know why I’m pissed, Jonathan?” 

****

“Yes, because I was-” 

****

“No,” Stephen cuts him off, “Because you weren’t willing to acknowledge what I was saying or listen to me, and when you felt cornered, you attacked me,” 

****

“Stephen, I-”

****

“I love you, Jonathan, okay? I do. But I’m not okay with being treated like that. If you want this to work, we need to compromise. And no, I’m not going to stay silent while you go off at me. That’s not fair. Nor would I expect you to if I got angry.” 

****

“Okay,” Jonathan says. He can do that. 

****

“A _ nd,  _ if I talk, I want you to listen. I listen to you, always.” 

****

“Fair,” Jonathan says and nods. 

He’ll do anything. 

****

“Deal?” 

****

“Deal,” 

****

It’s the bare minimum of what he deserves 

—-– 

Baby steps. 

****

It’s okay, though. It works for them. 

****

It starts off with beers after work, sharing life stories and silently adoring the other. Jonathan knows for sure now. Stephen is the X to his Y, the fire to his ice 

****

“I think you were the first not to give up on me,” Jonathan says into the night. It’s cold and his words are trailed by fog. 

****

“I’d never.” Stephen promises and then. “Well not without probable cause.” 

****

Jonathan laughs and they look at each other before both leaning forwards and pressing their lips together

It’s still perfect

****

“Wanna go back to mine?” Stephen whispers low into Jonathan’s lips. 

****

Jonathan nods. 

—

“It’s about time y’all made up from your little spat,” Claire says. “Ooo, I’ve an idea!” 

****

“Yes,” Jonathan says reluctantly. There’s something about the excitement in her eyes that worries him. 

****

“Double date!” 

****

“No,”

****

“With Wendy and me,” 

****

“I figured. Still no,” 

****

“Stephen!” Claire says, beaming malevolently in Jonathan’s direction. “I’ve an idea!”

****

“Say. No.” Jonathan hisses

****

“That’s a great idea, Claire!” Stephen says. He sounds genuinely excited which makes Jonathan feel like an ass for declining. 

****

“Yay,” he says flatly. Claire erupts in laughter. Stephen grins. His eyes sparkle and Jonathan finds himself smiling back. 

—

They get coffee. It’s practical- Jonathan lives off coffee, and the others well enjoy it. 

****

Then they go to Claire’s, as she lives nearby. It’s kind of cosy. Claire sits in Wendy’s lap, smiling as her girlfriend plays with her hair. 

****

Stephen has one arm around Jonathan, the other holding his phone so he can fervently describe what a meme is. 

****

“I don’t get it,” Jonathan says, scrunching up his nose in confusion. 

****

Stephen gives up with a laugh. “You’re adorable,” he says, and kisses Jonathan briefly. 

****

Claire giggles at something Wendy says, her cheeks flushing pink. Loathsome as he is to admit it, Wendy and Claire are pretty damn cute. 

****

In the not-quite-quiet light of the apartment, Jonathan thinks maybe this is what happiness is like.

\--

It doesn’t last

****

A body is found. Matthew Harkness. 

****

“Babe, are you okay?” Stephen asks. He doesn’t waste time on meaningless apologies. 

****

“I’m fine,” Jonathan says and then laughs til his fingers shake .

****

Stephen frowns and then puts his hand on Jonathan’s back. 

****

“Come on,” he says and Jonathan follows him.

He'd follow Stephen everywhere.

\--

"Don't shut me out," 

Jonathan looks up in surprise. He didn't expect that. 

"You're allowed to be not-fine, baby," Stephen says and sits down next to him on a crate of books. 

"Is it okay to be fine, though?" Jonathan asks. His voice is very small and he winces internally. Even now, he can hear his father rebuke him for such weak behaviour. Stephen reaches out and grabs his hand, runs the base of his thumb over Jonathan's knuckles.

"If you're fine, that's fine, baby. But don't feel like you have to be. You don't have to be strong around me," 

"I _love_ you," Jonathan blurts and then he's crying it, repeating the words over and over again as he falls into Stephen's embrace, allowing himself to be comforted. 

"God, baby, I love you too," Stephen says. He sounds choked up as he runs a hand through Jonathan's hair. 

They stay like that for a while, til Jonathan's breathing evens out and Claire politely informs them that the police do need to take a statement, like, today. 

"You gonna be okay?" 

"No," Jonathan says truthfully. "But I can try, yeah?" 

\--

"Babe," Stephen says. His voice is wrecked, and Jonathan thinks nothing of pulling him into private. 

"What's happened?" Jonathan says soothingly, rubbing Stephen's knee. 

"My sister, she's sick,"

"Mads or Hailey?" Jonathan asks and then immediately reproaches himself for the insensitivity of his voice. 

Fortunately, a small and pleased smile crosses Stephen's lips. "You remember my sister's names?" he says in a surprised tone. 

"Course I do, baby, I do listen sometimes," Jonathan says and then, "but that's irrelevant. What do you need me to do?" 

"It's Hailey." Stephen says quaveringly. "And I just...I just need you,"

Jonathan nods and tenses his knees a second before launching forward to hold Stephen close and kiss his hair. 

That night, Hailey Egan would find the majority of her hospital bills have been paid by a mysterious donor. 

Irrelevantly, over a thousand dollars was checked out of Miranda and Stephen Harkness's seemingly frozen bank accounts.

\---

Jonathan thinks he might finally be happy

And then 

His voices kick in. 

"Do you really think someone like Stephen would REALLY like a fag like you?" his father sneers. 

"You're going to ruin him," his own voice says tauntingly. "You are going to drag that poor man all the way to hell by his heart,"

"No," Jonathan says out loud. 

"Babe?" Stephen asks

"Piece'a shit," Matthew laughs. 

"This is why we didn't want you," his mother proclaims. 

"Nononono," he mumbles. He has to get out of there, he has- 

He gasps as something cold hits him. 

"I'm so sorry, baby," Stephen says. "I just...you were getting panicked," 

Even with the reminisce of everyone he's ever hated telling him he'll hurt Stephen, he kisses his boyfriend.

"Thank you," he breathes.

\--

Matilda Darke is a deeply flawed and fucked up woman. 

Jonathan considers her a great friend and admires her tremendously. 

"So, Stephen, huh?" she teases, drinking a gin. 

"So, fucking Ben Hales over, huh?" he retorts, smirking proudly. 

"Oh god, you saw that?" she breathes, flushing in embarrassment. 

"I follow Rory Flemming on Twitter," he explains. Matilda huffs in annoyance but then grins. 

"Diverting attention from your _darling_ Stephen Egan," she says, dramatically, "nicely played, Harkness,"

"Thanks, Darke," he replies. They don't hug as he leaves. They nod. 

He wonders when he started having friends, being happy. 

He doubts he'll ever know.

\--

He gets a text from her not one week later, confirming his (seemingly nice) neighbour was actually stalking him. 

"We also have her in custody for the murder of your parents, Jon. I don't suppose..."

"No, I don't remember," he says, biting his lip. "It was very traumatic, I hope I never remember," 

He stays with Stephen while he waits. 

"Oh, Jonathan," Stephen says sadly, after Jonathan ends up vomiting, his mind on the pictures of him in Maud's apartment, the newspaper clippings...all of it. 

"Everyone betrays me everyone wants to hurt me," he babbles, not bothering to refine himself. "Why do I talk to people?"

"Baby," Stephen says calmly and cups his face. The warm touch is enough to calm Jonathan long enough he can blink, looking up into those warm cinnamon-hot-chocolate brown eyes. 

"Baby, Maude was a creepy fuck, but she's in jail now. No one can hurt you anymore," 

Jonathan nods, wiping at his eyes. Shame began to settle over him. He'd been so pathetic, so emotional. 

"I'm sorry," he whimpers. 

"For what? For being stalked? Jon, that's crazy talk. None of this is your fault," 

Jonathan exhales, cold air calming him further. 

Maude is arrested at 2.30 am. Matilda gets to his not half an hour later, and sits on the couch next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. Stephen sits on his other side, an arm loosely wound around him. 

He remembers how terrified he was as a kid as his brother pushed him and he free fell for a second, and then pain exploded up his left arm. 

"All brothers horseplay," his father had said, looking more disappointed in Jonathan for crying than in Matthew. 

He'd thought that he'd never feel safe again, constantly terrorised by his brothers cruelty.

Now he's got friends, he's in love...

He's never been more safe. 

He reaches for Stephen's hand and fucking dares the universe to come at him, one more time, because he knows he can take it


End file.
